This blog will be a raw journal of my feelings; as well as updates on my mums well being, but mostly it will be a safe space for me to say what I need to say and it won't always be flowers and roses.
If this makes you uncomfortable, don't read it. I'll still love you. april
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.
I grew up with this being said to me over and over. I think it was a common thing to say to kids when I was young. Trying to unlearn it has been a journey on its own.
Those that know me well, know I am a pretty introverted person - even though I can sometimes fake my way through seeming to be more extroverted when needed. It has been hard for me to talk as it feels a bit like a scab on a wound, its itchy so you pick at it but then it starts bleeding all over again and you wish you had stopped picking at it in the first place.
The harder things get for me, the less you will hear from me.
This is not about you. It's about me.
I protect you from me – by not reaching out.
You see, I am afraid some people are not ready to hear what I have to say, or it makes them squirm a little as they are reminded that life is only temporary and can change at any moment as my and mums life did.
I protect you from me.
This is where I say what I am doing is wrong. I need to get out there. To trust. Not to wallow. Not worry what others think of what I say. It is my inner critic that is telling me you don’t want to hear. After all, it is really none of my business what you think of me anyway (learned this nugget from RuPaul on RuPaul's Drag Race).
This is a hard lesson...
So I take this time in my life to learn, and to grow as well. To test the waters by reaching out to some of you…to say exactly what I am feeling.
…you know what?
I AM feeling better. and the people I have reached out to and been painfully honest with, still, love me. They haven’t turned tails and run, they’ve cried with me or offered some sage advice. Some words that I couldn’t possibly have thought of because I am too emotionally intertwined with everything.
This is what I call personal growth. I am now proving to myself – by the scientific method – that voice in my head that says ‘no one wants to hear what you have to say’ - is wrong, unequivocally, irrevocably wrong.
What a revelation!
It's not to say I won't have to remind myself from time to time but as gramma used to say – but the proof is in the pudding.
**listened to this song with mum in the car yesterday- holding hands, singing along and speeding - James Taylor is one of her favourites. We're still making great memories together**