We all need an escape, don’t we? Something that lets us turn off the worry, pain or anger, if only for a few brief minutes?
I don’t know how I would have made it here, without, wait for it…. superhero movies and kitten videos.
Even now as I write this I have Thor: Ragnarok on in the background.
Go ahead laugh. I KNOW. It’s funny.
Even now, Jill catches me watching a kitten video here and there and laughs - because I have told her why I watch them. I also joke about getting her hooked on watching them too….”Sooo relaxing”, I say, as the kitten purrs and wiggles its little ears. She smiles, rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me.
I haven’t made her watch any superhero movies – YET.
Those really are not her bag.
Why superheroes? Well, truthfully I have put a lot of thought into that because it is an odd one. I am thinking somehow the justice aspect of them speaks to me, as things will always end up being set right-side-up again - no matter how fucked up it gets. It reminds me, I need to have hope. That no matter how small that little light inside me can feel at times, I need to keep it lit.
As caregivers, it is most important we find what soothes us. Not all days are great, in fact, there are a lot of bad ones. There’s so much to think about, talk about, and plan - a lot of not fun topics. There are tears, lots of tears. I would have thought they’d have dried up by now but they haven’t, not yet. I have learned to like the salty taste as they stream down my face - I don’t even dab them away anymore until I know they are over - just let them run…like a saltwater tap on my face. I used to fight them, thinking that they made me (look & feel) weak.
It is ridiculous to fight tears, they always win, eventually. right?
Also, tears don’t make you weak. This is a new thought to me.
What IS weak, anyway? Weak is my flabby city arms trying to start the lawnmower or stack wood. My inability to lift something.
I am NOT weak of spirit.
If I have proven anything to myself during this whole journey, is that I AM strong. I have that Smith will, the will I envied so much in Jill all those years prior – it was there the whole time, it just manifests a little differently for me.
See below - feels better right?